A text came through ‘Just ordered food, loving The Cow’.  I rang Mr Gray – ‘We’re supposed to be seeing fireworks in your garden!  What are you doing!  I’m coming to pick you up now’.

I headed to The Cow – the scene of much hilarity the night before when I celebrated my birthday.  Mr G was there with his mate, swearing like a sailor – indicative of one too many Guinness’s. I said Hi to Andre (Cramblegate) and asked him if he could remember my name ‘Of course’ he said. ‘After last night how could I forget’.  I took this to be a good sign and dragged Mr G away to the communal gardens.

‘There’s nothing happening Red’ he stated as he wandered down into a silent garden. ‘Just a big unlit bonfire – must be tomorrow night’.  ‘Great! We can watch X Factor’! I exclaimed.

He gave me a plate of soup whilst commenting rather snootily ‘I never watch this, honestly – I don’t know how you can’.  As each act finished and the judging panel praised them for being the best ever, and the best group of contestants ever to grace X Factor, Mr G turned to me and said ‘Why is everyone good – I mean I thought they were supposed to critique them?’  I told him he had a lot to learn about Simon Cowell and making money.

When Wagner came on and Louis suggested he could have his own show in Las Vegas, Mr G exclaimed ‘Does he really think he’s as good as Elvis??!’ Cheryl commented.  ‘What did she say Red?  I didn’t understand a word of that; she is gorgeous though, look at her long red hair – beautiful’.  ‘Hair extensions’ I replied.  ‘No!!’  ‘You’re kidding’ he said – so far behind me on the road to understanding the nuances of Cheryl’s beauty management regime.

The judges fought with each other as usual.  ‘They’re so nasty, why are they so nasty?’ Mr G said.  ‘Because it’s prime time TV’.  I filled him in on Simon’s deal, advertising revenue and the star acts that perform on the results show.  

As one mediocre act followed another he became more and more perplexed.  Then, just when the chance for addiction to the nation’s favourite Saturday night show was about to go – One Direction appeared.  They bounded onto the stage full of energy and enthusiasm and Mr G was bowled over by their gleefulness and boyish charm.

The Xtra show and Susan Boyle on Life Stories followed and silence reigned.  I looked at Mr G – amused by his insatiable appetite for more of ITV’s pre Christmas schedule and felt sure – despite his lofty ideals – he’d be back for more.