I was looking forward to my facial.  Mmmmm, the thought of lying down and having someone apply potions and lotions to my face whilst massaging it in with calming wave music in the background was very appealing right now.

On arriving at ‘Skin Oasis’ The receptionist greeted me as I asked if I had time to grab a sandwich first. An efficient looking lady appeared in a white lab coat.  Her hair pulled back with no make up, she reminded me of a character in a Bond film. “Of course, of course” she insisted in a slightly Germanic tone: “You must eat. Come back to us in a few minutes and we will start the process”.

As I paid for my salad at Pret, I thought about that: ‘Process’?

On returning I was briskly led into a small consulting room where the most dominant feature in the room was a ginormous chair.  ‘Sit down’ I was instructed, while Lady Bond took out a clipboard with four sheets of questions on it and handed it to me.  Now I was getting suspicious.    ‘Oh, this isn’t a facial’ she explained.  “It’s actually a treatment.  We put…well, it’s like a small hoover on your face.  It can be a bit painful – but I think you will be alright, it sucks out all the impurities. It’s like a spring clean – yes?! Ha, ha. You will be a bit blotchy but I think it’s okay”.

“I give you a bit of time to fill that out” she said and flicked a switch on my big cushy chair as she departed.

A gentle hum began and I began to feel a gentle kneading sensation move up either side of my spine. On reaching my neck it sort of rotated, spun around pummeling my shoulder blades, and then began it’s journey down my back again. I put the form down.

The door opened.  “You have completed that?”  “Um, sorry, not yet” I replied.  After using various delaying tactics to capitalise on the best massage I’d virtually ever had, she eventually prised me off the chair and into the treatment room.

“It’s not quite what I had in mind” I said, once the suctioning, scraping and rubbing of my face was complete.  “I feel a bit de-hydrated, could I perhaps sit down somewhere and have a cup of tea before I leave?”  “Of course” she said, brusquely, arching one eyebrow.

I opened the door across the corridor, slumped back into my new friend and picked up the remote.